hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My breasts were aching with rage.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
