the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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