Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
