i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
