just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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