I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
false alarm, still single
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
