Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
