Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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