my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
