Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
