Kareoke will never be a sober sport
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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