the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Hippo gnu deer
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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