You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
