It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
