K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Randomize
