I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
