I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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