im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
