Ambien. No doubt about it.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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