the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
