You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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