Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
