Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
