one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
