Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
