i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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