Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
