Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
