Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
