I want to make a zoo with you.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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