I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
