Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
