Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
