I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
