Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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