Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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