I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
