Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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