I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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