you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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