i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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