it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
