I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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