My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
