so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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