Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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