Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
