drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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