my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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