nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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