i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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