for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
